Latenight Conversations

It was 5 PM. The last exam was over. You can see your result staring back at you on the computer screen. 'It's good, but it's not good enough,' is the only thought running through your head. 'I can do better next time,' but this was the last exam. 'Oh well, at least it is over,' so you wait for the wave of relief to wash over you, the "liberating" feeling everyone talks about when it's all over.

Seven hours later, when you find out that there are no more alarms to set and no more formula sheets stuck on the wall, it hits you, 'This is it, it's the end.' It's a relaxing thought; you don't have to wake up with the burden to work harder than yesterday. It's an exciting thought; the most dreadful chapter is now closed. The idea of a new beginning and the freedom to do what you want without feeling guilty made the past years worth it. Just as you're coming to terms with your success, Billy walks in;

'Are you happy?' Billy asks.

'Yes, of course I am. I did it! I survived.'

'True, but did you reach your goal?'

There's just silence. The air seemed to stiffen. You always knew in the back of your mind that this conversation was bound to happen.

'Walk with me, Billy. There are a lot of questions.'

This blog is dedicated to Billy, the annoying little voice in our heads that forces us to face reality.

Billy and you step outside. The wind is chilly and the world looks dark. As you begin walking, Billy looks at you. You understand this look, Billy is a curious child, he wants the answers.

'Do you know what it feels like to be thirsty, Billy? Like after a long day in the summer heat?' You ask.

'Yes, I know. It happens quite often.' Billy replies.

'Picture it. Now imagine that you come back home to drink water from your bottle. The few drops of sweet nectar hit your dry throat, but then it stops. It isn't enough to quench your thirst. That's exactly how seeing my result today felt like. I know what the best tastes like, however, its quantity does not satiate.' You said.

It takes a while for Billy to process it. 'Does this mean you failed?' Billy asks.

'Yes and no.'

'Well, how did you not fail? This was your dream and you could not achieve it.'

'I know.'

Your answer stunned him, 'Then, how come you are okay with it?' he asked out of astonishment.

This question hits you hard. 'I am not okay with it, Billy. But I have a choice- to either carry this hollow and negative feeling of being unsatisfied or learn to overcome my dissatisfaction,' you reply.

'But you came so close, can you not try again? You cannot let this go. What will the others think of you? What will you think of the others who did it? Can you sit with it?'

'I get where you are coming from, Billy. Maybe this so-called 'failure' is what I should face. There's a reason failure teaches a lot more than success. One can never fully appreciate coming 1st if they've never come 2nd. One can never be truly happy for others unless they are happy with themselves. Making peace with oneself during such moments of dissatisfaction is what makes a well-rounded human.'

Billy looks away into the night. He seems to come to a realization,' So this is it? You're just going to let it go?'

'It's hard. But I'll have to learn how to.'

As the moon shines and as our Mother Earth spins, happiness becomes a choice. In modern reality, everyone strives for 'success'. No one is willing to settle for anything less than perfection. While working towards your goal is hard, seeing the beauty in imperfections is harder.

-Signed,

Ann.